Sunday, April 29, 2007

Time again for a little blogging

Yesterday I saw my friend Ashtin. She posed this question...."so you just have to lay around all day right? Why don't you put something on your blog?"

Good question Ashes. Why haven't I blogged? I've got lots of time and very limited possibilities of things to do in that time....what' wrong? I really had no idea when she asked me. But, as I was pondering this thought this very morning (while I am home alone while my boys are at church), I came to realize that I think I just don't have much of me left over. I think between the 15 weeks of being bed-ridden and hospitalized, all the while puking my guts out. The almost three weeks of just nausea, but being able to keep down most of my food (what a glorious three weeks those were!!). The scare of almost having our precious little girl at 20 weeks (and 11 ounces). The two weeks of bed rest and the potential 16 more. My heart being broken because I can't care for or even pick-up my confused toddler who just wants his mommy. All the while watching my exhausted, loving, selfless husband carry it all by himself......I am tired.

Tired in a way that cannot be cured by taking naps or going to bed on time. Tired not in a good way like at the end of a marathon or after a day playing at the beach. I am fatigued in my body, mind, and soul. A deep exhaustion that penetrates all of my being.

The worst part of all is not the potential of me being stuck inside on my back for another 4 months, but the fact of what it does to those I love most....Jones and Ryan. I am pretty sure I can for the health and life of my little girl stay down and not even have too terrible of a mood about it. But watching how it affects every part of Jones and how Ryan now has so much on his own...it breaks my heart. I know people say kids are resilient(which is a statement I almost in every way disagree with. I think I will post on this thought another time) and that Jones, in the long run will be fine. I know that when this is all over Ryan will have a little girl to show for it...but it's still hard. I still want to pick up my boy in my arms and be able to rock him to sleep. I still want to look at my husband and not see such tired eyes.

Man this post was a downer.

8 comments:

Ty said...

We're still praying for you. I can't wait for her to get here (well, after it is safe for her to come) and for life to get easier for little Jones. I wish that I knew some quick cure or could think of some way to help.

It's okay that you're mostly bloggless, almost everyone has some down-time, and I expect you to have your hands gloriously full with wonderful little pieces of heaven pretty soon, and too busy to blog because of it.

Jen said...

I love you so much, Jess. I really want to be there with you. I'll get there as soon as the Lord allows but maybe by then you won't need me. I am praying for all of you always.

arwen said...

i know its not our way, but i want to hug you.

I'm going to build you a recliing rocker. Out of ... um... something really cool.

i ♥ you. for real though.

tara said...

aw, you made me cry. love you jessy.

Lisa said...

Take care of yourself and your little girl the best you can, the rest is up to God. I was so sad I didn't get to see you last weekend. Love you and praying always for you and your fam.

Gina said...

Aw! I know I'm a little late with my comment, but I wanted to let you know that I love you and I'm praying for you and Ryan and sweet little Jones. I'm so sad for you and your precious boy, but I know God will watch over you. Jones knows you love him, and God will protect his heart and make sure he gets through this. Chances are he won't even remember this time when he's older--you'll have lots of time to make up for the cuddles you're missing. Try to think of it as storing them up, not losing them. Just think--you can count the weeks till you're back to feeling like yourself and then you can love on him till he squirms to get away from you and go play.

We'll keep praying for all of you till life is perfect again! =)

Anonymous said...

Hey Jess,I left a message for Ryan on his blog page but this message is directed for you and I'll try to remember to call you in the next day or two.I didn't forget about you today Max was up all night sick and then our phone was dead and we didn't get a charger for it until Tim was off of work today so blah blah enough excuses I feel horrible I didn't have a better way to tell you today was a not the best day so I hope I didn't mess up your afternoon but Sophie has a dance class every tuesday till like June something so will be headed that direction for the next couple of weeks and if a tuesday doesn't work we'd still make the short trip to see you and Jones.Please don't hesitate to let me know if there is something I can bring over for you to read or what ever your heart desires!Erika

tabitha jane said...

i admire you.

and seirously? i have a lot of time on my hands too. call me or email me or blog me or whatever and i will come help you at the drop of a hat. i'm serious. don't feel awkward, just get me and i will be there.