Yesterday I saw my friend Ashtin. She posed this question...."so you just have to lay around all day right? Why don't you put something on your blog?"
Good question Ashes. Why haven't I blogged? I've got lots of time and very limited possibilities of things to do in that time....what' wrong? I really had no idea when she asked me. But, as I was pondering this thought this very morning (while I am home alone while my boys are at church), I came to realize that I think I just don't have much of me left over. I think between the 15 weeks of being bed-ridden and hospitalized, all the while puking my guts out. The almost three weeks of just nausea, but being able to keep down most of my food (what a glorious three weeks those were!!). The scare of almost having our precious little girl at 20 weeks (and 11 ounces). The two weeks of bed rest and the potential 16 more. My heart being broken because I can't care for or even pick-up my confused toddler who just wants his mommy. All the while watching my exhausted, loving, selfless husband carry it all by himself......I am tired.
Tired in a way that cannot be cured by taking naps or going to bed on time. Tired not in a good way like at the end of a marathon or after a day playing at the beach. I am fatigued in my body, mind, and soul. A deep exhaustion that penetrates all of my being.
The worst part of all is not the potential of me being stuck inside on my back for another 4 months, but the fact of what it does to those I love most....Jones and Ryan. I am pretty sure I can for the health and life of my little girl stay down and not even have too terrible of a mood about it. But watching how it affects every part of Jones and how Ryan now has so much on his own...it breaks my heart. I know people say kids are resilient(which is a statement I almost in every way disagree with. I think I will post on this thought another time) and that Jones, in the long run will be fine. I know that when this is all over Ryan will have a little girl to show for it...but it's still hard. I still want to pick up my boy in my arms and be able to rock him to sleep. I still want to look at my husband and not see such tired eyes.
Man this post was a downer.