Private Parts

My brother's son Koletin is 3. He is a crazy little guy, a boy through and through. And, like any boy is obsessed with his penis. He's gone through all the stages, driving it around like a stick shift, pulling it out to flash people, asking questions about it, you know, boy stuff. He has however, not really ever paid much attention to his testicles...until the other day. Here's what it looked like: (Koletin=K mom/Ciara=M Dad/Jeremy=D)
K: (In the tub) Hey mom look (points to testicles) There is something in there!
M: Yes Koletin there is.
K: What are they?!
M:They are your balls
K: My balls! I have Balls! What are they for?!
M: Yes you have balls. You need to ask your dad when he gets home what they are for.
Later Jeremy gets home from work
K:Hey dad guess what? I have balls!
D: Yes Koletin you do.
K: What are they for dad? What are my balls for?
D: Well when you get to be a big boy your balls will make you a man.
K: MY BALLS MAKE ME A MAN!!
D: yes Koletin, your balls make you a man.
K:You know what dad? Everyone has a butt.
D:yes Koletin, everyone has a butt.
K:And all boys have penises.
D:Yes all boys have penises
K:And all girls have penises??
D: No, girls have vaginas Koletin.
K: Girls have BAGINAS!
D: Yes girls have vaginas
K:Dad! boys have penises, girls have baginas, and everyone has a butt. huh dad?
D: Yes Koletin that's right.

Two days later (he had been talking with mom about how God made him and gave him a penis)
K: you know what mom? I have balls
M: Yes Koletin you have balls.
K: I have balls because Jesus gave them to me.
M: What?
K: Jesus gave me balls.

To that my dear friends I say Amen....Because it can't get much better than that.

Paying bills

I have nothing really to write about. Let me think...Hmmm...I had a great day. My husband and I try and work on bills together twice a month. We want to make it something that we don't hate too much and so will do little things to make it better. Example: Today we went to one of our favorite spots (Esther Short Park), got Starbucks, laid on a blanket in the sun and worked on our budget/paid bills for about an hour. It was so fun. Jones slept the whole time (We try and plan things like this around nap) and woke up after we finished, just in time for some swinging. I love my little family...especially my perfect husband. Sometime I will tell you some of the things I love about him.

(This Jonesy at Esther Short in April)

Before and after...What the??

Lisa thinks I am wearing tons of make-up to work out in. I added the red lipstick for the picture, but other than that just a little o' mascara and some liner. Before and after. Here you go.
The after is the one below. Now what do you think...Courtney Cox??

Yeah 1989!!

So I needed a new profile picture. I needed a good one. What better time then when one just got done working out, has on a sports top, and decided to wear red lipstick? None. I embraced my perfect opportunity.
This is what I came up with:

Courtney Cox....1989! Yes. Anyone else think this is the funniest, faux sexy pic ever. YES! "Yeah, lady with the red lips" (you just can't tell)

BEST. IDEA. EVER.

I was thinking today. I was thinking really hard...and....

HOW MUCH WOULD PEOPLE PAY ME TO CUT MY HAIR INTO A RAT TAIL??

Seriously. Let the bidding wars begin.*

*Only those who are serious may enter a bid. Good luck to all. May the best blogger win!

Just in case you forgot...here is a rat tail...

What I like about you...soccer style

The thing I love most about Soccer are the "SID" Kicks. "Sudden Instant Death" Kicks. You know the ones, the game is tied, goes into over time and then onto the kickout. Really, they are fabulous. They're exciting, suspensful, and all the players stand in a little line and hug each other. Sweet.

Sup ladies!

Sally Field is a massive tool

These were all questions I got off a website of converation starters. Next time I am eatting dinner with someone and there is a lull in the conversation I am going to pull out number 382. It should be great! And I did want to mention I got this idea from T.

405. Assuming that complete recovery were instantaneous, would you be willing to accept a year of total paralysis below the neck to prevent the otherwise certain extinction of a species of animal? It depends on what animals...I love milk, so for cows, sure. I do not however enjoy boring things like ugly fish...so for something like that, nope.

410. If you could wake up tomorrow in the body of someone else currently living, would you do so? Whom would you pick? If I could eventually come back to me,sure. And it would be...Marci Carmen??

411. Would you have one of your fingers surgically removed if it guaranteed immunity from all major diseases? Yes. Who wouldn't? "Hmm, lose a finger to flesh rotting disease or to surgery?"

414. Would you like to have a child much more intelligent and attractive than yourself? Please God make it so!

415. If you could have one superpower, which would you choose? to be able to make whatever food I wanted without cooking and clean my house, all with just my thoughts!

416. What was the most recent movie that made you cry? I don't really watch movies and I never cry. Oh wait...Anchorman, I cried everytime I saw it int he theatre. 4 times to be exact.

417. What famous person do other people tell you that you most resemble? This hurts me real bad, but I must be honest. Sally Field

421. What vegetable do you most resemble?A potato?

420. Do you believe honesty is the best policy? When in Rome

423. Who would you most like to be stuck in an elevator with? My hubby and we would get it on! Least like? Someone who smelled really bad, had bad breath and breathed disgustingly!

398. If you could solve one of history's "usolved mysteries" which would you choose?Who killed Ryan's Grandma
396. Would you accept $10,000 to shave your head and continue your normal activities without a covering of any sort and without being able to explain the reason? I would want to so badly, but in the end I wouldn't be able to and then would end up with just a plain ol' bald head.

393. Would it disturb you if, upon your death, your body were simply thrown into the woods to rot? I think I wouldn't know, but it might bother my hubby

390. Would $50,000 be enough money to induce you to take a loyal, healthy pet to the vet to be put to sleep? Interesting...(I am in a pickle...do I tell the truth and be shuned forever or do I say "never in a million years!?"...this is hard!)

388. Who is a better role model for children: Barbie or G. I. Joe? Depends. Do you want a girl who a. Has an eatting disorder or b. is a lesbo? AND a boy who a. kills everything and is violent or b. wants to be a pretty fairy girl? *

382. Which famous person, now dead, do you wish you could have seen naked? Anne Frank. (was that funny or was that just me??)

391. Would you be willing to give up all television for 5 years if it would induce someone to provide for 1,000 starving children? If you answer no to this question then you are just sick!

387. Who do you think should have been named as Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year”? Hello....The channel 4 news team!
Please feel free to answer any of these questions yourself...it will be intriguing.
*The comment on this question was a play on stereotypical fears and do not really represent the opinion of the author.

walking, farah, man boobs, and pouting mom....my family

I don't know if you know what this picture is? It is what my little family looked like after Jones took some of his first steps! That's right, we have a little walking Jones (sick...that's my child's name, not a penis! Don't be a perv...Remember when people use to use that word?)!
I am a work at home mom. I do this because I want to spend time with my sweet baby and get to see moments like this. Tonight I worked outside my home for two hours, what did my son do? Took his first two steps for his father!! That's right...well guess what son...that is the last time I let you suck on my boob. If you love your dad so much go suck on his and see how you like it! Anyway, while I was playing with Jones and pouting about not being able to see his first two steps, guess what? He stood up from where he was sitting, took three steps, and then grabbed what he wanted to get to!! I was so happy! He's the cutest ever!! Yeah for Jones!

And yes, Jones does have a six hair mohawk and Ryan does have farah facet hair. Viva Charlie's Angels!

The best show in town...my butt?

We have a little hatch-back Hyundai Accent. A cute little silver guy. To get Jones in the car and into his car seat is quite a feat indeed. I must crawl behind the seats, squat down, balance myself on the ball of my feet (Not enough room for flat footed balancing) and lift him up in his chair (all this while holding him in my arms...he's 25 pounds and wiggly!!). Crazy, I know.

Today when we were leaving the grocery store he was very hungry and a little fussy so I decided to feed him after I got him strapped into his car seat. He was in his seat...I grabbed his biscuit/cookie thing...Resumed my squatting position...fed him...And then half way stood up. I was standing in this little car, completely in an "L" shape, bent at the waist. My bum was facing the windshield (actually, Practically on the windshield) and I was leaning over talking to Jones. He was frustrated with something and so I remained in this position for a good 2-3 minutes. All was good...or so I thought. Today was wearing a long dress, which I guess while squatting had somehow hiked up around my tummy, slip and all. For two minutes I had been standing with my underwear covered butt exposed...I am pretty sure I had a fantasic weggie to boot.
How did I discover this? It wasn't until I heard a truck start behind me and I peered through my legs to see an older couple in the truck part directly nose to nose with my car. They were trying to look like they hadn't noticed my underwear stuffed crack exposed, but you could tell they were a little bit shocked my the whole thing. I reached up, picked my weggie, pulled my dress back over my buns and and looking like nothing had happened I calmly walked around to my car door, all the while smiling at the older couple and mouthing, "have a nice day". I got into my seat and drove away...To my knowledge the couple just sat there starring. I hope they got home tonight.

For Lisa and for that guy that comments on her blog as Ron Burgundy

Anchorman, anchorman, oh how I love thee
A poem I will write, a good one, you'll see
This is for Lisa, for sticking by me.
a poem in the voice of Ron Burgundy...

I should climb a mountain and yell out loud
I should tour the country side, of my band, I'd be proud.
that's right, a family band is what I would form
With dancing and fluting, and maybe some porn?
Our band will be neet-o, our band will be swell,
"Right on gang" to each other we will tell.
We will make lots of money, we'll be a big deal
Like rich mahogany and leather bound books we will feel.
The ratings will place us on top, number one
Of the losers, numero 2, we will make lots of fun.
But in our future I will now predict,
a simple act of littering, will make us just sick
We will fall from the top, fall very hard
Why did I read the work f### on that cue card?
A glass box we will be in, one filled with emotion
We will find out the milk is not the magic potion,
actually my friend we soon will find out
that milk is a bad choice when the sun is about
The one thing that all you should know
is how to bag a classy lady...this is how it should go
Don't try to use desire, or touching or wit
Give her two tickets to the gun show, and see how she likes it
Bed her quick, is my mantra, my ticket to life
"Take me to pleasure town" I'll hear from my wife
Once you find love you'll love what you hear
"I want to be on you" I will say without fear
You better be good at talking to me too
cause I don't understand Spanish, it is all just poopoo
Speaking of poop, what's that my sweet brick?
you eat An-y-thi-ng you want...that's rather sick.
Yogging is great, when your witht he one you love
like number one rating sent from above
"I will fight you", if this poem isn't one that you love,
I will straight up murder your ass.


*This poem was written late at night. It was not spell checked or edited. This is in raw form and was not changed one stinking bit. You are welcome. You. are. welcome.

To squeeze ones own poop

Ryan Changed Jones' poopy diaper. When he was finished he left the poop filled diaper on the ground next to where he had been changing him. Seeing his mistake he quickly picked up the dirty thing and threw it away. Close one!
A few minutes later I was watching Jones play. Hmmm..."what is that in his hand?" I though. "oh a cookie. No he doesn't have cookies like that. Wait, why does he have brown playdough?...Oh my...Poop!" I scream. "Jones is Squeezing his own poop!" Jones had in his hand what looked to be a brown/orange (you know the look, when a child mixes two colors of playdough together but doesn't blend well...lots of the dark color with streaks of the light. In this situation, lots of brown with some orange. Maybe pumpkin?) ball of playdough. It wasn't a smear of poop that the had gotten. No my friends, he had in his hands a big round turd that had apparently rolled out of his diaper when his dad picked it up. And he was squeezing....just sitting there squeezing it. Needless to say it had squished between all of his fingers and it was covering his hands.
I picked him up...."Ryan, get a baby wipe...wipe it off! Wipe it off!" I yell as I grab his hand, which he is trying to put into his mouth. Ryan, being dazed and rather confused by this horrifying things that is happening (all in about 5 sec I might add), runs to the kitchen sink and somehow dumps a whole pan of water all over himself and the kitchen floor. "Ryan a baby wipe" I scream "Not a pan of water!" He got the wipes and started trying to get the wads of poop off his hands...Jones starts to scream and shake his hands, flinging balls of poop all over me. We get most of it off Jones, take off his poop covered shirt and Ry takes him in the bathroom to wash off the excess residue. Some how while in there Jones falls in the sink and soaks what little clothing he still had on. I try to clean the poop off myself, making a mental note to change my clothes as soon as I could.
Later that night Arwen and I were doing some shopping. I think we went to the mall or something. On the way home I looked down and realized I was still wearing the poop pants! Not only that, but they still had some dried poop on them! It was a low point in my life. I am cool with sleeping in pee covered sheets, but wearing my waste covered clothes in public is something I am still not use to....Oh I miss the days of not smelling like a mixture of boob milk and feces!

*I want to mention that during this situation Arwen helped my discreetly using some wipes to pick up the extra turd from the ground. Thank you Arwen.

Do you know Stan Granberg?? Or should I say Richard Foster...

Is it just me or is Stan Granberg trying to change his image so he looks exactly like Richard Foster (or as I like to call him "Dick Fo")? If you have seen Stan recently you will notice there are many similarities. Too many similariteis if you ask me. Infact I have never seen them in the same place together...Hmmm...

What if Stan Killed Dick Fo and he wants to pretend he is him and take all the credit for writting killer books!? Blast you Stan Granberg! Blast you! This gives me a great thought....

Watch out Oprah...I might just pull a Stan Granberg on your ass!

The Greatest Game Ever Played

We must apologize. Ryan, Arwen, and Jessica must all apologize. It began as a joke, it turned into obsession, and it ended in pain. Some have called him bipolar, but we like to call him tripolar. It no longer matters, for he is dead now, killed off by his creators, nay, by his very own personalities. Here is his story:

It was a late Thursday night and very little had happened in the blog world that day. The weekend was coming and little more was to be expected. Boredom ensued. Ryan, Arwen, and Jessica jokingly came up with a plan. Find a picture we would. Give him a name we would. Create a completely artificial blogmunity member we did. We looked upon our creation and exclaimed that it was good.

There was brilliance behind the mystery. A purpose behind the bloody boy...Prepare yourself for a story that will shrink your balls to the size of raisins (results may vary).

Have you ever tried to google Monkey Knife Fight? You should try it. Go ahead. Try it. Do you notice someone? That's right people. Its none other than our dear sweet departed Raj VanAllen. We think that there is a need for some clarification. Raj is not a real name. It could be a real name, but the Raj that we all know and hate is not a real name. It's a heartfelt acronym for Ryan, Arwen, and Jessica. Are you catching on? We were bored one night and thought it would be terribly clever and even more terribly funny if we combined forces and created a new blogger. Arwen had a sudden recurrence of Monkey Knife Fight obsession, so she googled it. There was Raj. What better picture to go on that one of a pretty little boy covered in blood? So our story begins...

Everyone had great ideas of who this guy would be. Ryan created the name. Jessica created the attitude (or the direction that it would head in). Together, we created the profile and then... Raj's very first blog. From there, he took on a mind of his own. Because we all had the password, we commented on blogs without the others’ knowing-- so at times, Raj was real. He was real in our hearts. WWRD. No, not word, What Would Raj Do. It became our mantra. If Tara and Eric went camping naked, what would Raj say? If Raj ran out of ideas to blog about, who would he steal a post from? If Raj loved slurpees, what kind would he like and what would be the most disturbing thing he could say concerning them without truly offending someone personally. We figured that Raj would simply be a little joke. Something to do when our ideas for blogs wouldn’t fit into the genre of our own blogs. But then, Raj’s profile view’s surpassed all of our expectations. He had almost half of our own (Ryan and Arwen) profile views and actually more than Jessica (lets all work on this)… all over the course of a simple weekend. Raj was a genius.

He had friends that included Stacy and Tobin. Who is Stacy? Raj asks that . Through some research and much planning, we stumbled across a young lady named Stacy who was from Northern California, not too far from San Jose where Raj lived, yet far enough away from Lisa in San Diego that they would never meet. We linked to her and called her our friend. Stacy knows nothing.

One morning though, Raj got out of hand. He made comments that were inappropriate. He took a joke too far. Perhaps some of you got some of those comments... "I lost my virginity ______. It was ______." It was funny to us (or at least to Arwen, it was funny). Unfortunately, we are the type to carry on a joke about 3 days after it stops being funny. Some were outraged. Some sent direct e-mails complaining about Raj and defending the people they were aimed at. Some people had to be called personally so that they did not have heart attacks and rage and kill innocent puppies, husbands, or pedestrians. This is when we decided that it would be best if Raj were no longer in our blogmunity. Our joke had gone on long enough. Hearts had to be broken. So, our dear Raj signed off forever, but not before he apologized to everyone for hurting feelers.

So now you know the story. Raj was, and remains to be, the best blog joke of all time. We sort of Reign Supreme in that aspect... you know… thinking of it and all…

The moral of the story is that the blogmunity is a place of honesty, authenticity, and of sharing each others funny stories, their sorrows, and their random thoughts. Raj broke all those rules. And for that we, and he, apologize.

R.A.J out.

Two and a half feet + two and a half feet = Arwen

Interesting fact for today.
My son had his 9 month check-up and he is 2 and 1/2 feet tall. While telling Arwen about this today, a thought came to me...."arwen aren't you 5 feet tall?" "Yep"

So, if you put my son on top of himself you get Arwen! That's right, two little Jones' = one little

Arwen. How cute is that??

We are even...

So I think that some of you will remember my friend Arwen's post. You know the one where she talks about how I left my cell phone in a Safeway and then we had to backtrack a million miles to get it...I think you know the one. Well have a got a Story for you.
I have a little pre-school class that I teach on Wednesday mornings. This week was the last one for the summer and I had little gifts for each child. These gifts were in plastic thermos', which were inside a plastic garbage bag (there were so many that this was the best way to contain them all). I live in an apartment, one the third floor, we use an elevator to get into the basement (which is where the garage is, which is where our car is). We (arwen, Jones, and I) were going to the car and Arwen and I had our hands full of things (we both had a bag full of thermos gifts). At the bottom of the elevator Arwen realized that she had forgotten her sun glasses and needed to go back up and get them....I went to load my bags and Jones into the car.
Arwen was gone quite a while and when she got to the car she didn't have her garbage bag with her (the one with the child's toys). I questioned, "where are is your bag?" "in the dumpster" She says (This is also in the basement.)... "What? That was filled with toys!!"
Because I have about 6 inches on Arwen I offered to go get the toys out of the dumpster.
Let me paint a picture: Stinky trash room, a 6 foot tall almost empty dumpster (Enough trash to coat the bottom, but not enough for me to be able to reach in.), and me with no way to get my bag of toys (this sounds like a nightmare Santa might have!) So what do I do???
I have to climb into this dumpster, basically using only my brute strength (which is almost non-existent), stand inside, throw out the bag and them climb back out using the dumpster wall for hand holds. YUCK!
Arwen we are now even! I leave my cell phone, you make me climb the walls of a trash smeared dumpster. We are even my friend...Even Steven. Sleep tight Santa.

Plat-t-whatty??

I am not sure who in this blogmunity has been to Australia. I was born there (this has nothing to do with my story, but is an interesting fact I thought I would share). My sister is a missionary there. My family (well baby sister, mom and dad) just returned from a trip there this past week.

While visiting the land down under my sisters came upon an interesting discovery...one which I had to fight Ryan to get to share with you, my dear fellow bloggers. Platypuses are a native animal to Australia, therfore they are in the Australian zoo's. Do you know what their homes are called? Not a "den", or a "burrow", no my friend...platypuses live in a...PLATYPUSARY! Thats right a platypusary. That is all I have to say about that.


P.S. My sister brought back a platypus doll for Jones and he loves it. We are hoping that he will love it and someday make it his favorite doll. Then instead of building houses or barns or whatever other kinds of forts you build with your stuffed creatures as a child, Our sone will build platypusary with his doll. Then he can invite his friends over to spend the night in his "Rad platypusary" he built that day. One can only hope and pray.

Straw Anyone?

Sorry I haven't posted in a while...I've been a little busy...I don't know why...

Something has come to my attention

I have been noticing something lately... If you want to get a lot of complements on a post you need to talk about someone who is "famous", i.e. an actor or singer. You have to "have a conversation with them" or say you want to see their naked bodies...You also have to care about who is prego, who got them prego, and what they are going to name their "alien/baby" when it comes (if it is really coming).
So here it goes:
Dear Xtina:
Mmmm...I like it when you sing. Why are you so dirty? Maybe you should should steal Kevin from your old friend Britt. I hear he likes that sort of thing.
Dear Russell,
Remember when you did that movie...What was it called? Oh yeah, Gladiator. Everyone liked it I hear. Too bad your so mean. If you you were nice maybe people would like the real you as much as they like the fake you from that movie.
Dear Dominic,
Hey you are a pretty tricky fellow. I mean, once you played a fanciful creature (a.k.a. Merry the hobbit) and you did a good job. I will admit, you looked and acted just like I would picture a hobbit. And that is what's so amazing, you still look like a hobbit...and yet know one seems to notice. I really thought they would have taken off your fake nose, but I guess girls seem to dig that.
Hey there TomKat,
Hey did you know that you are weird? Yeah you two are freakin' weirdos! You do weird things and believe weird things! Hey Crazy...why did you have to make your girl so weird? Katie get out while you are still only a little crazy and while your alien still has a chance to live normal like the rest of us. Run...go back to Dawson while you still can...that is, if he will take the alien. If not leave it with Crazy. Hey Crazy...go back to your planet, weirdo.

Not wanting to mentioning my beliefs on the media or the effects of TV on your brain, I want you to know one thing... I think this is so silly. I will leave you with this...one gift from me to you...your token topless hotty. Good night.

Time for a change...

I am going to be open with you...I am just going to say it...I don't really wear deodorant. I am serious. I rarely sweat, seldom do I stink, and so I just don't use it. Even when I was a big prego and was suppose to sweat more (especially during the summer) I maybe wore it a dozen times...and I am probably being generous. I have noticed lately though, now that I am working out more (ok, well, I am going walking/pushing Jones in the stroller) I might be a little sweaty...I don't know, it's not for sure. When I made this discovery I decided to start wearing deodorant, and do you know what I realized? I have had the same stick of deo for over 3 years! Sick! I promptly threw it away. The pickle is, now I have non to use. (how can one remember to buy it when they are so out of the habit of getting it at the store??) Should have thought that one out a little more.
So now here I sit...Without deodorant...writing instead of cleaning my house. What's a girl to do? Get some hygiene I guess.